Apr 012017
 

Tired of paying for things? You’ve come to the right place. Here I’ll present a perfectly sound and reasonable plan for you to live for free. That’s right FREE. Let’s tackle the most common expenses:

FOOD

Food is expensive. A decent meal at Mcdonalds is going to cost us upwards of $10, three times a day, that’s $30/day! UNACCEPTABLE! Let’s start by never eating out ever again. That should reduce food expenses by around 2/3 according to my other food post (SAVING HACKS: COOKING). We can make better food than the disgusting poison they serve in restaurants anyway.

BUT COOKING IS ALSO EXPENSIVE. Yea I know. First let’s cut down on luxuries like condiments, spices, salt, sugar, meat, dairy, anything imported, and anything that absolutely requires heat. We can’t be bothered spending precious electricity on heating up food.

All we really need to not die is calories and vitamins. We can get calories from rice and vitamins from vitamin pills.

  • We can buy a ton (literally) of rice through Alibaba for $650. To get to 2000 calories per day we’ll need to eat 13 servings of rice. That’s 585g of dry rice per day and thus our ton of rice will last around 51 months, or 4 years. Thanks Alibaba!
  • Here’s a place that will sell 12,000 vitamin pills for $450. At one pill per day that’ll last us 32 years! Only $0.03 per day!

We’ve successfully gotten our food budget down to $176.50/year:

Rice and Vitamins

Fun and exciting animal shaped pills for intellectual stimulation!

BUT THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

The title of this post is how to live FOR FREE, not how to live for $0.48/day. Forget everything I just taught you about rice and multivitamins. It’s time to get free food!

We could grow food, but that takes too long and we’ll be dead before harvest time.

We could steal food, but people these days put locks on their doors.

We could live off sunlight, but we’d get too hungry when it’s cloudy.

The solution? GARBAGE. There’s literally tons of food thrown away every year! You only need to find a trash can and get digging!

trash-can-clip-art

Delicious

SHELTER

Houses are expensive. Rent is expensive. But how expensive is it really? A quick search of Kijiji shows the cheapest rentals go for about $300/month. Clearly that’s too much. We can get almost two years worth of food for that!

Maybe we can live in something else? This guy lived in a storage locker for $205/month, but was quickly evicted. Also that’s too expensive.

All we need is somewhere that no one will bother us on. A quick search of Kijiji found these:

Property1

A 33×100 foot piece of land in an actual town for only $3000!

 

Property2

Far from nuclear targets? What more could you want!

 

Who says there’s only scams on Kijiji? The only problem is living in Thunder Bay or McLaughlin. What if you’re partial to big cities with bright lights and sounds and lots of excitement? Maybe somewhere slightly outside of Canada? Well friend, let me introduce you to the bustling metropolis of DETROIT where they’re practically giving homes away! If you get homesick you only need to head straight south and you’ll end up back in Canada. Here’s a website selling homes in Detroit. For a mere $1000 you could have this absolute gem:

Property3

Don’t worry, a little elbow grease will remove the “WARNING KEEP OUT!” spray paint. Better hurry though, the open house is today (April 1st)

 

BUT THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

What if you don’t have $1000? Well friend there’s options for everyone. Like this luxurious tent for a mere $30:

Property4

This is a money maker! Rent the other 2 spots out and live off the income! I dare you to find something better.

What’s that? You don’t have $30? No problem! Remember the final solution to the food problem? That’s right:

trash-can-clip-art

There may be food in this one, but what if there’s a tent in another one?

Just go hang out behind Camper’s Village for a few days. They’re bound to throw away a tent eventually! At the very least they’ll throw away a cardboard box that can function as a tent.

TRANSPORTATION

Something wrong with your legs? Cars are expensive. Just walk everywhere.

Conclusion

What’s that? You still spend money on other things? Well friend I’m not here to solve ALL your problems. I just brought your two biggest expenses down to $0. Now beat it, you’re wasting expensive electricity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok seriously though, be careful if you go dumpster diving, and homelessness and poverty are big problems and you should support organizations working on a solution:

Organizations helping the homeless survive winter

April Fools! (duh)

Spam your friends:

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